Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
