I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
