I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize