Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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