I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
