my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
