she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
