now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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