The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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