Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
i need some magic done to my vagina
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
