do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
