For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
