we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
