I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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