Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i love accidental penises.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
