I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
