apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
