I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
