oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
