I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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