There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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