I don't usually arrange sex via text message
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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