my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
