She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
