All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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