OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
3 2 1 whiskey
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The dick lei will go down in squad history
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
