there's paper in my vomit.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
