# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
