My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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