Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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