fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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