So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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