the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
