I can tuck mytits in my pants
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Come see our sink grown plant.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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