just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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