I haven't been this sober since birth.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
