I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
