Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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