went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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