Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
