Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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