just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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