i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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