if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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