Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
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