Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
