put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize