if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize