I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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