he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
