I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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