We named our party play list daddy issues
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
