A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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