apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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