dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
