I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
