I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
