There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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