just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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