angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
