when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
